Expat counseling is not just to ensure that you adapt to your new surroundings and that your mental health is intact. It is also there to help you navigate the “new normal” with family and friends back home. The situation, of course, becomes exponentially worse when you need to leave a partner and children behind.
In this article, we provide some insights and advice on many of the emotions and issues that arise in such a situation and give you some practical tips on how to parent from afar.
Dealing with the Emotions Regarding the Separation
There are a lot of different emotions that can arise from a situation and separation like this. Just like there are many reasons why a situation and separation like this would happen. It could be due to a work transfer or promotion you couldn’t really say no to. Or it could be the only place you could find a job.
It could also be a choice you’ve made for the betterment of your family. Perhaps it’s a new venture that could ultimately lead to a better financial position or life quality for the entire family. In a few other cases, it can be because divorced parents live and work in different cities, or even countries. While the situations and separations we tackle during expat counseling can be temporary or permanent, it doesn’t make the emotions accompanying the one any less powerful or valid than the other.
Emotions can include feelings of sadness for leaving your children behind and missing out on those everyday moments and important milestones, or anger directed at your employer for forcing you to leave or anger directed at yourself for even accepting the opportunity in the first place. It can also include feelings of guilt and shame, which can often be exacerbated in women due to the deeply embedded social construct that mothers should be at home with their kids. There is a wide range of emotions that can come up as each situation is different and every individual is unique. But whatever the emotions, it’s important to acknowledge and work through them. This can be done during expat counseling sessions. So, if it’s something you’re currently struggling with or is something that you know you’ll need to deal with soon, it’s best to reach out to the professionals.
Ways to Continue Parenting Effectively From Afar
Just because you are not always physically present doesn’t make you any less of a parent. And it doesn’t mean that your input (or absence) won’t have a massive impact on your children. So, stay in tune with their lives and needs and continue parenting effectively from afar. The following are some of the recommendations we provide during expat counseling:
Create a Schedule
Smaller children do not understand reassurances such as “Mommy will be back in two weeks”. Or “You will see Daddy again in a couple of months”. So, print out a calendar (we recommend doing this per month). Write down the schedule for the month, outlining “daddy/mommy” time. This should include a specific video call time every day, other special celebrations/events you can schedule long-distance, as well as the next visit or return date.
Have the children mark the day off the calendar at the end of each day. This will help them visually keep track of what’s happening with the other parent. We know that in some divorce situations, this can be a tricky one. But see if you can navigate any conflict and friction to put this in place.
Understand the Difference Between Physical Availability and Emotional Availability
The best thing you as a parent can ever do for your child is understand the difference between physical and emotional availability. As psychologists we deal with adults who are suffering with major rejection and abandonment issues, originating from their childhood despite parents always being physically present – often even with a stay-at-home parent! Being emotionally available to your children means being someone they can trust and rely on.
Showing them through your actions that you will always make time for them, and that you will always be just a phone call away, whether today or 20 years from now. It means being invested in your children. Showing an interest in what they do, think, and feel, and being an active participant, whether living under the same roof or not.
Ensure Continuous Connection
Staying connected with your children is not always about schedules and the bigger and more serious stuff. Staying connected is sometimes just knowing that you are thinking about them. If the kids are older and have their own phones you can create a family chat group. There you can share all sorts of impromptu life updates, photos, or funny images and videos. You can also send a surprise souvenir that made you think of them. Or write a letter that you can mail them as a welcome surprise.
Do Online Meet-ups
If there’s one thing the Covid pandemic taught us it’s that we can still gather socially via a variety of online tools. So, hosting digital family get-togethers is a great way to stay connected and just have some good old-fashioned family fun. You can plan and schedule a family movie night, play online games together, have a book club, exercise together, you name it – all online. Your expat counseling therapist is sure to have a list of resources and tools to make these types of meet-ups happen.
Know When Space is Needed
It’s very easy as a distance parent to have your deep desire to stay connected with your kids and even feelings of guilt drive you to overstep a few boundaries or read into what is essentially life going its normal (and healthy) way. For example, just because your older children have their own phones, making communication easier, doesn’t mean you should be blowing it up all day long.
If they were just sitting in their rooms down the hall from you would you have been constantly tapping them on their shoulders to make a comment, ask them questions, etc? Non-stop messaging and calling is pretty much the same thing. You also cannot befriend or follow your children on their social media if you haven’t had a discussion about it. Many teens feel like that is their private space to share with friends only.
We are, of course, not referring to social media safety here; that is an entirely different discussion. You also need to understand that your cute little son who always wanted to follow you around everywhere or your adorable little girl who always wanted hugs and kisses will start distancing themselves from you during their teen years.
Once again, we are not referring to extreme isolation and other red flags. Rather a normal phase of life where your child starts discovering and settling into their own identities and begins their journey to independence. So, sometimes it may feel like your child is constantly on their phone to friends, but it feels like decades before they answer your “How are you?” text – that’s just life. Don’t take it personally and don’t read into it. If you find that it becomes a concern or really bothers you, have a conversation with your young adult about it. If you’re struggling to walk this line and don’t know how to bring it up with your children, it’s also something that expat counseling can assist with.
Always Ensure That You Listen More Than You Talk
Whether you’re having a video call or a normal telephone call, it can be tempting to just ramble on. You try to share as much wisdom and advice as possible. Tell them all about your day and the things you thought they would be interested in. And you bombard them with so many questions that even an interviewer would tell you to tone it down.
Trying to cram as much as possible into as little time as possible, is not the goal here. And while all the above-mentioned is important in small and relevant doses, it’s more important to listen and absorb what’s happening on your children’s side. So, try to keep your mouth closed and your ears open as much as possible during your interactions.
Always Be Honest
Always being honest with our children can sometimes be tricky. Not just because we need to decide what’s age appropriate (which expat counseling can also help with, by the way). But also because we sometimes struggle to be honest with ourselves. If you and your partner have separated and are heading for a divorce, please don’t give the children answers such as “hopefully soon” when they ask when you’ll be coming back.
Also don’t say things like “I’ll be home soon” when you know you have to complete a 6 month work contract. This type of wishful thinking and minimization does not do the children any favours. It’s much better for them to have certainty and deal with concrete reality than this type of wishy-washy uncertainty. It only makes you appear untrustworthy and unreliable and makes them feel unsafe (the latter of course not referring to them fearing for their physical safety – that’s a different kettle of fish altogether).
Always Tell Them How Much You Love Them
Sadly, this is not just advice we give long-distance parents during expat counseling sessions. Most of us are absolutely terrible at letting those near and dear to us know how we feel about them. Actions definitely speak louder than words. But hearing that someone loves you, misses you, and appreciates you will mean something to most. So, always make sure that you verbally and audibly let your children know how you feel about them.
Don’t Worry: Effectively Parenting from Afar is Possible
Parenting from afar is possible. It might not be what you were used to. Or how you would prefer it. But it’s definitely possible to sustain close relationships and stay involved despite the distance between you and your children.
Using the above-mentioned tips and advice is a good start. If there’s anything you need clarity on or are struggling with, we really urge you to book an expat counseling session. You can pop us an email at info@personalonlinetherapy.com or just complete the form below, and we’ll be in touch soon:
