Boundaries have become a bit of a buzzword in recent years, but that doesn’t take away from their importance. Boundaries are also something we have to address on a daily basis during online counseling. Sometimes, it’s because people have crossed those boundaries. But many times, it’s because someone hasn’t even begun to set boundaries (or didn’t even know they could!).
This article dives into the concept of boundaries: what they are, why we need them, and how to enforce them (the latter of which is probably the hardest). So, discover how to set your boundaries and build stronger and healthier relationships.
What are Boundaries, and Why Do We Need Them?
Boundaries are very much what they sound like; they are the proverbial line in the sand or the property lines within various parts of your life, that once crossed, will constitute trespassing and have some consequences. As we often explain in our online counseling sessions, boundaries are essentially there for two reasons:
- Letting others know how you expect to be treated and what you’re willing to accept from others.
- Protecting your own well-being based on your personal history, needs, and preferences.
Different Types of Boundaries
There are many different types of boundaries, such as:
Physical Boundaries
This is in relation to your personal space and your body and ranges from how close you want people to stand next to you in queues to how you want to be touched (or not touched, for that matter).
Sexual Boundaries
This goes past just basic consent for any sexual acts. This also includes precisely what actions, behaviours, etc., you’re okay with behind those closed bedroom doors.
Emotional/Mental Boundaries
These boundaries can be quite extensive. For example, these boundaries can include not having someone dismiss your emotions or opinions. Or not allowing others to overshare. Or even a boundary stating that you’re not going to discuss certain things with others you’re not comfortable sharing.
Spiritual/Religious Boundaries
These are all about having the freedom to believe and practice the religion or spiritual principles you wish to follow. You may want to pray before every meal, while someone else’s boundary could be to respect that practice but not participate in that prayer. To some, it can be a non-negotiable to go to church on a Sunday, while another Sage’s the house religiously (pun unintended) every Monday.
Financial/Material Boundaries
These can get pretty tricky, especially when partners and family are involved. It can mean not lending money to others out of principle. Or even something seemingly as silly as not allowing people to borrow books or tools from you. It also includes boundaries around payments. For example, receiving full payment before delivering the product.
Time Boundaries
These are incredibly important boundaries, especially in an age where time is a rare and precious commodity. And, as the saying goes, “time is money.” This could mean no longer answering emails after a certain time. Or prioritising spending time with the family over the weekends.
Non-negotiable Boundaries
These are what we usually refer to as “dealbreakers.” And while many often use the term in a romantic relationship context during an online counseling session, these can apply to all areas of your life. For example, you can refuse to spend time with people who drink to excess. Or not allow the children to stay at Grandma’s house till she gets the pool fenced.
As you probably started realising while reading through the list of boundaries – we all have different boundaries. And even your own boundaries will differ depending on specific areas in your life. For example, your boss commenting on how sexy you look in that dress is a no-go, but it’s all good if it’s your partner. Similarly, you can stop accepting work calls at 18:00, but that doesn’t automatically apply to friends and family.
The Benefits of Setting Boundaries
There are numerous reasons why setting boundaries is essential. A few important reasons we usually express during online counseling sessions are:
- It protects your mental health and physical well-being.
- Boundaries can prevent burnout.
- It teaches us valuable communication skills.
- Boundaries can alleviate stress and anxiety.
- It can lead to a better quality of life and work/life balance.
- It can ensure that your needs and expectations are clearly communicated and met.
- Setting boundaries and clearly communicating them can also help avoid misunderstandings.
- Boundaries ensure that toxic elements are kept at bay, whether certain types of people or specific behaviours.
- Setting boundaries means knowing your worth and your value. This will inevitably lead to better self-esteem and more self-respect.
- Productivity increases as you start focusing on and prioritising what is really important.
- Setting boundaries means being self-aware and making personal growth and development a priority.
- Setting boundaries is a great way to take control of your life. This can be especially helpful to those who’ve experienced a lot of trauma in their life and dealt with feeling like life is out of control.
How to Set and Enforce Boundaries
The first thing you need to understand about boundaries is that the buck ultimately stops with you. You are the only one who can decide on and set your boundaries. You are also the only one who can enforce them. So, setting boundaries is also a commitment one needs to make to oneself and keep oneself accountable. The following are some examples of how to set and enforce boundaries:
Emotional Boundaries
While there are many emotional boundaries that can be set by using some good old-fashioned common sense, most emotional boundaries tend to originate from past experiences. For example, once upon a time, you might’ve thought you were just being supportive. But then you realised that people were consistently trauma dumping on you due to that emotional availability, and it had a very negative effect on you.
Due to that experience, you’ve learnt that you need to be more selective with who you support on an emotional level. You also have to set boundaries so you don’t end up emotionally drained by the drama. By using common sense (it’s not okay for someone to call you names) and thinking of past experiences, you can compile your set of emotional boundaries.
These boundaries need to be communicated. Perhaps not necessarily as an outright list of no-gos, but rather whenever a line gets crossed. If the line gets crossed again after that, you’ll need to start putting consequences in place. This can include ending a friendship or telling the person that you won’t be spending any more time with them in the foreseeable future till they’ve stopped with a certain behaviour.
Physical Boundaries
As with emotional boundaries, some can be set just by using common sense (strangers are not allowed to just put their hands down your pants whenever they feel like it). While other physical boundaries can be set based on past experiences. For example, after waiting in line at the pharmacy, you realise you feel extremely uncomfortable with people standing too close.
Many physical boundaries can more easily be enforced upfront. For instance, if you’re introduced to someone, and they immediately go in for a hug, you can easily say, “Oh, I prefer shaking hands,” and then hold out your hand. In other instances (such as the pharmacy), you can turn to the person standing a bit too close for comfort and politely ask them to please take a couple of steps back since you’re feeling a little claustrophobic.
Sexual Boundaries
Once again, we’re not even going to touch on the subject of consent since no means no and needs no explanation or specific boundary set. Here, we’re referring more to what you feel comfortable with after consent has been given. Or just the basic principles you follow when dating. You might be someone saving yourself for marriage. If that’s the case, it’s always a good idea to communicate that boundary to someone you’re dating.
This will allow you to manage expectations and also give both of you the chance to see whether your principles are compatible. When it comes to bedroom “gymnastics,” some may make it very clear beforehand that certain parts of their body or certain actions are out of bounds. Or you can decide on a safe word to communicate to your partner when you start feeling uncomfortable and want them to stop.
Professional Boundaries
These come up quite often during online counseling and refer to personal boundaries in your professional life. As you can imagine, these can be various. From making yourself unavailable after hours unless it’s an extreme emergency to dealing with a colleague constantly interrupting you in meetings.
Some boundaries, such as when you’ll be available for work, must be clearly communicated beforehand to ensure everyone is on the same page from the start. Other boundaries, such as how you wish to be treated by colleagues, can be addressed with that person directly if you ever feel they’ve crossed a line. But if professional boundaries are continuously crossed despite you having made your boundaries clear, it might become time to rope in HR.
Time Boundaries
When it comes to time boundaries, they are generally better communicated beforehand. For example, if you invite people to a dinner party, you can make it clear that there is an RSVP date. If they do not respond or only respond after the date, you cannot accommodate them.
When you set meetings, you can make it clear that lateness is not something you’ll tolerate. You can set a boundary that says you’ll wait 10 minutes to make room for the unexpected and unavoidable, but thereafter you will leave (whether online or in person).
Book an Online Counseling Session to Have Your Boundary Questions Answered
If you still have some questions regarding boundaries, or would just like some extra guidance on how to set yours, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us and book an online counseling session – we’re happy to help. You can contact us at info@personalonlinetherapy.com or complete the form below and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible:
