The body ageing and eventually failing us is a natural part of life. But it does hit differently when it’s our loved ones, especially our parents. It can be heartbreaking to see your once-strong father turn into a physically weak and fragile person. Or your mother, who was legendary for her sharp wit, starts repeating the same stories over and over again. One can find guidance via an online psychologist consultation. Not just to find practical ways of dealing with ageing parents but also to process the complicated emotions that come from watching your heroes get old.
This article serves to do just that. We share some of the best tips and advice we provide during an online psychologist consultation surrounding this topic and extend a helping hand to those who have any further questions or who would just like a safe space to talk.
What it Means to Take Care of Someone
First, we need to clarify what it means when we talk about taking care of someone. Often, it’s immediately associated with the physical. Someone that needs to be bathed, clothed, fed, etc. But this is not the case.
Caring for someone can start as early as when you begin feeling concerned about their well-being. For example, it could be when you realise that your parents have become vulnerable to scammers simply because they no longer understand or can keep up with the digital world. Caring could entail ensuring that a parent attends a doctor’s appointment they’re trying to avoid. It’s helping with their admin because they’ve begun struggling to understand the processes or systems.
Taking actual physical care of someone tends to come much, much later. Long after you’ve had to start caring for them. We have to clarify this because many underestimate the impact and toll dealing with your parents’ ageing has. This is simply because they never realised that they had been taking care of their parents for a long time already.
By the time they really start feeling the strain, they’ve actually already been under immense pressure for many, many years. It’s very common to meet people during an online psychologist consultation who reach out when they think the situation has become quite bad when, in fact, the emotional “wear and tear” started a long time ago.
Taking Care of Others Means Taking Care of Yourself
Welcome to that “oxygen mask on the plane” analogy: you can’t help others if you don’t have any air either. When you find yourself in the position of caring for others (whichever phase it might be), you need to start taking extra care of yourself as well.
Like with relationship counselling, it’s better to book an online psychologist consultation before things get really bad. You need a safe space where you can vent, get resources and tools, and properly prepare for when things might take a turn for the worse.
The 7 Emotional Phases of Caring for Elderly Parents
7 emotional phases have been identified when dealing with ageing parents. Although everyone is unique, and we need to make space for everyone’s individual processes, these generally tend to reflect most situations:
Phase 1: Observing/Awareness
This is the phase when you first start noticing that things might seem a bit “off”. Your super-organized mom might misplace the car keys. Your dad tells you about their neighbour’s cat twice during a visit. Or they’re struggling with something on the mobile you know you’ve gone through with them before.
This phase can be tricky. This is because it can consist of such small signs that it’s easy to chalk up to a once-off. It’s also categorised by denial as the concern regarding these occurrences can easily be dismissed as overreactions. During this phase, it’s almost like we are trying to fight against and deny what we are experiencing because the truth is too hard to bear.
Phase 2: Fixing and Red Tape
During this phase, you’ve accepted that things are changing, but you still only need to step in regarding certain things. During this phase, there can be a lot of frustration. And then you can feel guilty about feeling frustrated. It’s the phone call regarding the TV remote not working right before you have to go into a meeting. Or the myriad of messages you receive at work about the fridge making a strange noise.
But the frustration during this phase extends to third parties and red tape as well. At this point, you might have to start helping out with things such as insurance, payments, etc. And to get this done while your parents are still technically capable and independent can be a nightmare legal-wise. The extra hassle of the red tape can add to the already emotionally taxing situation.
Phase 3: The Take-over
Phase 3 can be extremely difficult. This is when you’ve come to a point where your parent(s) can no longer keep up with their daily lives. For example, they forget about the electricity bill, and then you suddenly get a call when they find themselves in the dark. Or they receive notices from service providers, but they don’t understand what they mean. This phase usually starts when your parent(s) are still fairly mentally sharp.
They can hold conversations, and they can take care of themselves physically. But this is what makes the situation so tough. You know you need to essentially take over the official “management” of their daily lives, but they are sharp (and defiant) enough to know what’s happening. It’s very rare that this phase doesn’t come with a lot of tension and conflict. This phase is, therefore, also characterised by a wide range of emotions, often completely contradicting one another.
For example, the situation and seeing your parents this way can make you extremely sad. At the same time, you can feel extremely angry at them for putting you in this position. Or fighting against your help. But then you realise what a terrible situation losing your independence is, and then feel guilty for feeling so angry. This phase is an emotional rollercoaster, that’s for sure.
Phase 4: Family Problems
This is usually the phase that few think about when it comes to ageing parents. It’s also one that causes some of the biggest issues. Although placed as phase 4, it can easily overlap with earlier or later phases. Just when you thought the conflict with your parent(s) was bad enough – enter the family.
Suddenly, you have to deal with various additional situations and feelings. You can feel incredible resentment towards siblings who have seemingly abandoned you to deal with your parents alone. Or you suddenly realise that your parents helped out financially where they maybe shouldn’t have as family members come knocking on your door now that you’ve taken over certain things.
Not to mention siblings disagreeing over the care of their parents and the division of property and assets (which can start long before parent(s) are deceased). This additional turmoil and conflict can also bring various emotions and can be very draining. Sometimes, this phase doesn’t just require an online psychologist consultation but a legal consult with an attorney as well.
Phase 5: Planning and Preparing for the Final Stage
By now, your parent(s) would have deteriorated greatly from the strong and independent adults you once knew. Their senses have dulled, and their minds are no longer sharp (and we’re not even diving into actual possible neurological disorders such as Alzheimers).
While they might still be able to take care of basics physically (wash, get dressed, etc.), the picture now also includes others ensuring that they drink their medication every day, nurses checking in, meals being delivered, or them eating at the dining hall (if they’re living in a retirement village).
Whatever your specific situation looks like, this phase is where you become acutely aware that it won’t be long till they need proper frail care and medical attention. So, you start researching, you start budgeting, you’re preparing for the final stage of life. This can also be time and energy-consuming. And the realisation that the finish line is starting to get closer can be heartbreaking.
Phase 6: The New Normal
When you finally reach that phase where your parent(s) need to be physically taken care of, you reach a conflicting phase of a new normal. Suddenly, someone else has taken over most of the daily caring you used to do. You can find that you struggle to let go of the control, you may struggle to deal with the sudden extra free time on your hands, and you may feel a sense of relief (and feel guilty for it).
If a parent’s mental state has also deteriorated to a point where they perhaps no longer recognise their beloved children, it adds another layer of complexity to the situation. At the end of the day, there are a myriad of emotions that can arise during this phase, many of which you might never have seen coming. Just remember that an online psychologist consultation is a convenient way of processing and dealing with your situation.
Phase 7: The Final Days
The final days can range from a couple of hours to a few weeks and are exceptionally tough for a few reasons:
- Your parent may pass suddenly and peacefully in their sleep. In these situations, we often find the biggest issue that comes up in an online psychologist consultation is that children didn’t get to say goodbye, or perhaps their last words were not what they wanted to leave their parent with.
- The parent can be completely unresponsive. This can be a confusing time, with some telling you to talk to them anyway and others telling you you’re wasting your time. We strongly advocate that you tell your parent whatever you feel needs to be said.
- The parent may be suffering. From things such as bedsores, trouble breathing, and being incredibly scared and confused, there are some cases where children almost start wishing their parents dead. Although it’s not out of malice but rather desperation for them to find peace, this can leave a child feeling absolutely terrible and wracked with extreme guilt for even thinking such thoughts.
- The actual passing of the parent is equally conflicting and confusing. You are heartbroken, yet the majority of the grieving has actually already taken place since it’s been many years since you’ve had to say goodbye to the version of a person you knew and loved for most of your life. So, many children feel like they are not experiencing that profound punch-in-the-gut grief that hits you when a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly passes, and often fear that something’s wrong with them when there’s not. The sadness is also intermingled with relief for the parent (you most likely know they would’ve hated seeing themselves like this), as well as for yourself (it marks the end of a few very tough years filled with tough decisions).
- It can also mark the beginning of new concerns if the other parent is still alive and left behind. How will they deal with the loss of their partner? What will life look like for them going forward? Perhaps it even brought a bit of comfort or solace to you that your parent(s) at least were never alone and had each other. So, what happens now that one is gone?
A Few Tips to Help You on Your Journey with Ageing Parents
Below are a few things that can be helpful throughout the phases of dealing with your ageing parents:
- Pick your battles – whether it’s actual arguments or prioritising certain things. Not everything needs to be taken care of or addressed immediately, and sometimes, the passing of time can help.
- Try to be understanding and patient with abnormal behaviour. The best way to do that is to take a step back and then metaphorically step into your parent(s) shoes. If this was you (which it might very well be in a few years’ time), how would you have felt, thought, and reacted, and how would you have wanted to be treated?
- You need outlets for the stress of the situation. Be active, book an online psychologist consultation, and get a hobby. There are many ways to find some release.
- You will need to create boundaries, especially in the early phases, for yourself as well as your parents. For example, you and your parents need to understand that you can’t be available at the drop of a hat, even if you would like to be. You also have a life to lead and remember that “oxygen on the plane” analogy.
- Be aware of your own limitations. Nobody doubts your love for your parent(s). But your love doesn’t mean you can suddenly give intensive medical care. And it’s also okay if you’re not up to things like changing adult diapers. Just be honest with yourself, know your limitations, and accept help.
- Talk about things as a family well in advance. No parent wants to lose their independence. Topics around when to stop driving, when to move out of the big family home, etc., are always difficult ones to tackle. But that doesn’t mean that these things should never be talked about, and it can be quite helpful when you eventually have to start making certain calls. For example, would your parents prefer living with the children, in their own home with a carer, or in a retirement village offering frail care? Simply knowing some of their personal preferences will make “one day” easier.
Find the Helping Hand You Need to Deal with Your Ageing Parents
During an online psychologist consultation, our aim is to provide guidance and support in your situation with your ageing parents. We understand how tough and complex these situations can get and how important it is to keep yourself intact.
If you would like to reach out to one of our professionals, please don’t hesitate to contact us at info@personalonlinetherapy.com. You can also reach out to us by completing the form below, and we’ll get back to you shortly:
