In a world where social media seems to have taken over (and is something often brought up with an online psychologist), it sometimes feels like we’ve been bombarded with online apologies more than usual in recent years. From wombat baby kidnappers and Ukulele-wielding YouTubers to celebs that backed the wrong horse in a case of sexual harassment – we’ve all seen them, and many have caused us to cringe.
Most of these apologies seem “perfectly” curated by attorneys, social media managers, and PR companies. And, whether they land with their target audience or not, there’s one crucial element lacking, which we react to – authenticity. This article explores why authenticity matters more than social convention at the end of the day and why a withheld apology can actually cause less long-term harm than an insincere one.
The Anatomy of a Genuine Apology and Its Physiological Effects as Explained By an Online Psychologist
A genuine apology actually has very specific neuropsychological attributes. Ever felt that tinge of annoyance when someone says, “I’m sorry you feel that way” versus “I’m sorry I did/said that”? That’s because the first apology doesn’t really register as a true apology in our brains.
For the neural pathways to activate and the amygdala and prefrontal cortex to synchronise, someone needs to take responsibility for their actions or words. This synchronisation is what an online psychologist refers to as empathic resonance (if they want to be technical) and is what happens in the brain during an authentic reconciliation moment that restores trust in both parties.
But this is not where the physiology surrounding genuine apologies ends. A study analysing 53 apology interactions found that apologies passing the authenticity test mentioned before increased Oxytocin levels by 27%! Even more interesting, the insincere apologies evoked heightened activity in the Anterior Insula (a part of the brain linked to disgust perception).
Why Insincere Apologies are Problematic: The 5 Silent Killers Identified by an Online Psychologist
Insincere apologies can cause many issues, such as:
Creating Cognitive Dissonance
Remember how you felt that tinge of annoyance at “I’m sorry you feel that way” versus “I’m sorry I did/said that”? Well, that’s because of cognitive dissonance, which is essentially confusion caused when the brain gets mixed signals. This has proven to increase stress levels by up to 18%!
It Can Reinforce Toxic Patterns
Everyone has known at least one couple whose relationship has been marked by constant ups and downs. These types of toxic cycles can also be caused by fake apologies. Remember those increased feel-good Oxytocin hormones one gets from an authentic apology? Well, even the fake ones get some feel-good action (albeit not nearly as high as the real deal). As Kosta Condous from Higher Purpose Recovery explains, “The release of feel-good hormones is what ultimately fuels most addictions”.
Therefore, it should come as no surprise that these up-and-down relationships are actually addiction cycles. One (or both!) will cause a fight, only to have the sweet relief (or should we say release?) of the fake apology and its accompanying feel-good hormones rush over you.
It Keeps You Stagnant
Just think about what a real apology means; someone has enough self-awareness to realise they made a mistake, admits to it, and promises to do better, thereby improving and strengthening an existing relationship as well as showcasing personal growth.
In fact, studies show that those who give truly heartfelt apologies are 34% more likely to actually change their behaviour. Someone stuck in an endless loop of inauthentic apologies will find themselves stuck, never showing any growth in their personal relationships or self-development.
It Causes the Erosion of Trust
It doesn’t take an online psychologist for someone to understand why a fake apology can cause you to lose faith in someone. But what is extremely interesting is that a fake apology can also make you lose trust in yourself and your own judgment!
This is because it follows a similar path to gaslighting, where you start questioning what’s real. Was that a real apology or not? Am I just imagining things when I start feeling that tinge of annoyance? Any online psychologist has experienced this many, MANY times.
It Causes a Ripple Effect of Distrust
Fake apologies and the erosion of trust between you and a partner, family member, or friend don’t just stay between the two of you. There’s a ripple effect of distrust that occurs. It makes you more sceptical about any interactions with others, wondering whether people are genuine.
When Do You Know Whether Silence is the Better Choice? An Online Psychologist Answers
It’s very clear that fake apologies do more harm than good. But sometimes, you can even fool yourself into believing you’re offering an authentic “I’m sorry.” So, how do you know whether an apology is the real deal? Just ask the following questions:
- Was the apology to heal someone else’s pain or make the apologiser feel better?
- Does the apology come with taking full responsibility and accountability?
- Is there any capacity for the apology to be followed by actual change?
- Does the apology form part of an ever-repeating pattern?
What If You’re Not Ready to Apologise?
We will all find ourselves at a place at least once in our lives when we might feel forced or be tempted to make a fake apology. Instead of taking the “easy” way out and causing more damage, you can change your approach. There are alternative things to say when you’re not ready to apologise just yet, and that’s more constructive:
- “Let’s discuss how to prevent this from occurring again.”
- “I need some time to process and reflect before I respond.”
- “My actions and behaviour don’t seem to align with my values and the standards I’ve set for myself. Do you mind if I take some time to dive into this issue and get back to you?”
How to Apologise Once You’re Ready: A Step-by-Step Outline From an Online Psychologist
For a meaningful apology to occur, you’ll need to use the STAR framework (and you don’t need to apologise immediately after the altercation as long as it falls into a thoughtful 24-hour window, also giving you time to reflect). The STAR framework refers to the following:
- Specific wrongdoing acknowledged (this is where you admit to your mistake and take accountability). This would sound something like:
“I was wrong to speak to you like that.”
- Tangible repair is offered (there’s no point in an apology if you have no desire to at least try and make things right).
This would sound something like:
“In future, I will take a breather and think before I speak, so I don’t say things I don’t mean.”
- Accountability System Created (just like having a gym buddy is an accountability system that ensures you do what you say, the person you’ve wronged can do the same for you here). This would sound something like:
“I will check in regularly and would appreciate any feedback on how I’m doing and whether I have improved.”
- Reoccurrence Prevention Plan (you’ll need a little action plan to try and prevent the same incident from occurring again). This would sound something like:
“I’ll speak to a professional to see if I can get to the bottom of this and improve my communication style.”
How to Handle Those Fake Apologies Coming Your Way: A Step-by-Step Outline From an Online Psychologist
When you’re on the receiving end of what’s clearly a fake apology that doesn’t adhere to much in our authenticity checklists, you can use the CALM approach:
- Clarify (ask the person outright if they acknowledge any wrongdoing to ensure they even understand what the apology is for in the first place). This would sound something like:
“When you say sorry, are you acknowledging the role you played in what’s happened?”
- Assert (draw the line in the sand; you need accountability and change!). This would sound something like:
“I need you to take responsibility for what you’ve done, and you need to tell me how you’re going to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.”
- Listen (not just to their words, but also their tone and body language). For example, someone who really feels sorry about doing something won’t react aggressively or try to defend their actions along with the apology.
- Move (this is essentially your decision on where you go from here). Will you accept the apology and move forward? Will you accept the apology but set very stringent future boundaries? Or will you cut your losses and end the relationship?
Situations in Which the Apology Never Comes
Any online psychologist has a few heartbreaking cases where someone who truly deserves an apology will never be able to receive it. These include situations such as an uninvolved father who’s passed, the mother who could’ve intervened when a family member molested the individual, and so forth.
In many of these cases, there’s a feeling of things being unresolved, and without closure, they struggle to move on. In some cases, where the client is open to it, we suggest neural reconditioning. It involves a visualisation technique in which the individual visualises the apology they want and need but would never receive.
Although this might not work or even be acceptable for all, it is a form of self-love and a way to cope with unresolved conflicts. It essentially “tricks” your brain to process and start releasing negative emotions and has been proven to reduce anxiety surrounding the subject by 31%!
The Right to Remain Silent…
It sometimes feels like the world needs apology police roaming around reading people their apology rights: “You have the right to remain silent…” Perhaps that would be deterrent enough to stop some from opening their mouth and essentially kissing their last chance of reconciliation goodbye. Hopefully, after reading this you’ll be able to give meaningful apologies and spot the ones that don’t.
If you fear that this is something you might be struggling with (whether the giver or the receiver of fake apologies), it’s never too late to change. Or if you’d like to dive into the possibilities regarding a few apologies you know you’ll never receive, please reach out to us at info@personalonlinetherapy.com. Or complete the form below and we’ll be in touch shortly:
